:: Bigjoe's World (Not Elmo's) ::

:: Thursday, December 28, 2006 ::

This last semester has been an eye opener. I think it has completely changed my life believe it or not. It has altered my mind in terms of what I can handle, take, the amount of patience I have and what I can't handle.I'm in love with life and being happy while experiencing it and it hasn't been an experience for a while aright. There's so much I can say but I'm finding it so hard to say what.hhhmm

I miss eating salt breads and peanut butter and having the butter all around the corners of my mouth and licking it off when I'm finished. I miss feeling completely comfortable and being able to willingly act stupid or conversate because I'm completely comfortable. I miss genuinely smiling alot from within, and not just a fleeting smile which I just use as a greeting. I miss being the normal be in general. Things in and around my life as it is now just doesn't allow me to enjoy these things.Life has changed however and things as simple as these aren't so easy to come by anymore. Comfort is just too hard to come by.It kills me when I can't be me; it really does. Makes me feel as if i'm losing myself to the forces around me.(This sound like some real Darth Vader shit nuh.lol) The pressure I go under being away from home and dealing with school just completely drains me. It leaves me tired and not able to deal with anything else, especially when there are things I've dealt with many times before. Once I'm home I feel as though I can regain some of what I lose as long as I'm given the opportunity freely and completely. That's been my only real Christmas gift I've wanted since I've left this rock. Just to be home and be happy; cause I don't have this kind of happiness and relaxation when in the big apple.
I think I'm rambling but at the same time I know what I'm saying. See how working and expanding your brain continuously,ESPECIALLY when you don't want to continuously and so rigorously, drives you crazy. You confuse yourself but yet you think you aren't confused.LOL. I tell yuh. I just want to live and be happy,that's all, and life has made it extremely frigging hard for me to be happy. So I guess I'm just really asking for some help. Been asking for it for a long time now but this semester really showed that I need it, not want or seek it now.

Oh yes! Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to everyone. The ppl closest to me may never hear me say it but I love them all dearly. I will never forget you all because you impacted and impact my life so much. Can't wait to finish this shit.

:: Bigjoe @ 9:23 PM :: | ::
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Here in the EAS(Earth and Atmospheric Science) geology labs at school on a sunday night doing work. Been here for over 3 hours now trying to catch up on work and assignments that need to be finished b4 wednesday night. It's an all out war to get everything done and to pass classes and exams now. This semester has really beaten me down.Even the first semester where i had to overcome the transition of being away from home wasn't as rough as this 1. I tell yuh. If I can handle this I swear I can handle almost anything, well except for being rape. :S(don't even want to think of that dread./me shudders). Anyhow I think I'm soon going home cause I haven't eaten anything for the entire day except for honey roasted peanuts and double cream oreos. I haven't eaten a real meal in 2 days now that I think about it. I'm not treating myself good atall.sigh. So I think it's going to be a home cooked meal 2night and some fish. Need that brain food boh. I'm really not in the mood to even try using my brain for anything but I know I have to do this work so I don't really have a choice now do I? I'm feeling brain drained dread. Anyhow christmas is coming up and I to take the very little money I have and find some way to buy gifts out of them oooorrrr spend the money on myself after battling so long and hard these 4 months.lol. I'm not selfish so I already know I will use it wisely towards others. I really need some rest and I'll be looking forward to resting for sure. I think I honestly deserve it. Anyhoo, I'm going back to do more work here b4 it gets too late. Don't want to be at school all night long. It's already minutes to 9. Adios

:: Bigjoe @ 5:44 PM :: | ::
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I haven't blogged in such a long time that I didn't even know a new version of blogger had come up. Realised the other day all of my comments were gone as well. I haven't blogged since July and for various reasons it just got away from me. To be honest the rest of summer was just too good to spend time on the computer doing anything and since I started school it has just been extremely hectic every single day of the week; even sundays dread. This has honestly been the most work I have ever done in my life period. Been the most I've seen before as well. I have been up and down nearly every single day and I've tried to start each day anew but i'm just worn to fuck out. From the 2nd week of school I was already worn out from not sleeping much. I really wonder how I made it this far for real. I don't go out and party or relax like I would before, even though it wasn't much before, but it's practically non existent now. Good golly, good grief.
There would have to be a reason for me to blog now of all times though. A very good reason. I got tired of wanting to blog everyday; especially knowing that everyday there was practically something to blog about as well. But this week took the cake and I said I would have to blog cause I just needed to "talk" and there was some shit in this apartment that freaked me to fuck out.
Every time I would go into the kitchen I would smell something like bad bananas or something. I wasn't sure what it was but it steadily grew worse as the night went on. Each time I entered the kitchen and passed the garbage can I smelt this thing and it had me kinda disturbed cause I never smelt anything in the apartment like this before. So I eventually looked into the garbage and low and behold I saw something I thought I'd never see in this apartment. There lying in the garbage can was a: /me puts on hugh's voice and sings, " Sanitary Napkkiiiinnnnn." It wasn't wrapped up, it was used and it seems it was used a while ago as well too. I nearly passed out cause of the look of the thing. This was so shocking cause for an apartment that only has men living in it, you tend not to see anything belonging to a female in here. Only thing I could think of was that Gustavo's, the new roommate, girlfriend put it in there. But I said she'd be pretty stupid knowing other men live in here and women are usually very discrete about these things. So I chalked it up to Drew or 1 of his female friends for some reason. Don't know why but yes i know discrimination and profiling is a bitch.lol. So what.So now I didn't know what to do cause the stench was getting to me, the sight of it had been etched into my head and the garbage wasn't even full. It was just knawing at my conscience all the time. So I had to take out the garbage half empty. I haven't even found out who it belonged to or who put it there but honestly I don't even want to know. I'm just amazed that for all the 24 years(yes I know I'm old..stupse) I've been living I've never seen anything like that because of the discretion that women have. Anyways, I now see why Rentokil has those disposals; that scent aint nothing easy or anything that familiar like any other smell. I tell yuh.Wish wunna could see my face right now.

It's the end of November and it's 2.02am here on a wendesday morning. I'm sleepy as shit, but I have work to do so I'm taking a little break to liven my senses up once more. There's so much that has gone on in the past few months to blog about but it makes no sense trying to catch up with lost tales. Could as well only talk about current events; and right now there are none besides me being extremely tired and fustrated by this semester. If I make it through this semester without going off I can truly say that I don't think there is anything really in this world that could rock my senses to the point of insanity. For sure. Anyways, mozzyman from rema out. Gotta go start this work again. Sigh :(

:: Bigjoe @ 10:45 PM :: | ::
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The wind is blowing along my nearly bald head. The oakleys reflect the sun that is beating through the windscreen. I'm all quiet just sitting in the passenger seat while awaiting my ride to work on Tuesday morning, the 11th of July,2006. Then out of the blue, the widening of eyes occurs, extreme laughter burts out over the bashment playing on the radio.Onlookers could only assume that us, the travellers, were a bit too happy or on crack. So you here wondering now what the hell I could be talking about. Read on and you will see my friends.

Me and my mother were on our way to work and we were driving along Massiah Street which is near Hastings/the garrisons for all you bajans who know no where( don't mind I'm vague withthe directions but this isn't MapQuest..sssoo live with it.) So now I was just looking through the window singing some bashy tunes that playing on Hott and then I heard my mother make the noise, "sshhh!!" " You see how long those are though?" So i proceeded to look up and low and behold there was this rasta man gathering himself to sit on the front step of this timber house. But my eyes opened extremely large in surprise cause what I thought I saw nearly made me faint. The rasta man had extremely long hair, hair so long it would reach past his ass, I'm sure of it. Anyhow, he was holding it and moving it into position on his lap. I think I should add at this point that he was wearing boxers. So cawlen to me it had look as if when the man cock up his leg to sit on the step that he bird was outside his boxer. I exclaimed at that point, "YYYoooouuuu,just so I swear that was the man bird you had mean though. Cause when I look up it had look just like the man dicky, just really, really, really long" :O:O:O This is where me and my mother started to die with laughter cause of my apparent blindness. The woman could not stop laughing out hard and at 1 point I swore she was even on the other side of the road dread. So then she started telling me this story about a man who used to be at the beach and his bird was so long that he used to put it in a sack. Now WTF is that uh?? So I ask her if she ever saw it and she reason she see it from at work. NOW WTF IS THAT?? Lemme tell wunna ppl something quick. My mother used to work along bay street right in front the esplionade in the 70's and early 80's. The woman reason she stand up on the balcony facing the beach (browns beach) and see the man with his dicky out just showing it off to ppl. Once again I ask WTF IS THAT??!! Don't get tie, that is real fucking distance to see a man dicky that damn good hear. Aright. Don't say I didn't warn yuh. LOL. So tell her that nuff women would be curious about it and he would deal with real women.You know the woman tell me that she would never want no bird so cause she would only run from it. That she would be frighten that it would kill her insides. :S This is my mother I really talking to? LOL. well well fucking well dread. I was lost by this point. Woman reason that he even get beat 1 time by some man in the late 80's and how he dicky had get some blows and get damage..AahaHAhAHAhAHAhaHAhaHAhA. Woman went as far as to call it a donkey dicky.AHAAHAhaHAhaHAhAHAhAHAhaHAhA.. Now THAT made me laugh out really frigging hard when she called it donkey dicky. I near dead in the car dread. Woman continued to reason how the young girls now couldn't handle that or most men for that matter since they are (in her EXACT words)CORN CURL GIRLS. I brek down with fresh laughter again dread. Woman reason the girls now from my age and down don't eat what the woman in her time used to eat so they all weak and always sick. How you does see it when they out in the fete and wukking up real fast but could only last for a couple seconds and that time the men still going strong. By this time I in tears. Done nuh man, DDOONNEEE. Woman then continue by saying that they would do their thing quick and then be tired and just lie back trying to recuperate. My my my. I was apalled at her talk but yet I was EXTREMELY amused. I love it. So I told her it's true in some cases though. The young tings can't handle a good wukup cause they too hyper off the corn curls. Just so I calling all girls younger than me corn curl girls now. LOL I just love it. For a good ten minutes I forgot about my headache, the blocked nostrils, the sickish feeling I had from the time I got out of bed. Too bad it couldn't last a little bit longer. I had to get my stupidity from my mother cause my father just aint retarded like that. Phew! Thank God for her boh.lol

Well after such a lengthy laugh after reminiscing about this morning I heard something pretty disturbing this morning that had me aggrevated. There's this american developer who wants to build an ocean park in Graeme Hall Park community. The residents are trying to stop it from happening and I 150% agree with them. The whole of Bim should back them and not leave them by themselves. For sure. People struggling for land around the place since it's so expensive and this man wants to come and confuse their neighbourhood with traffic, noise and lights to make his money which will go out of the island and definitely not stay here. I was infuriated by the man after hearing how he was arguing at a meeting trying to convince the residents to give in to it. I don't give a fuck how many jobs get created cause most likely the guyanese going to get them anyways. aAhAHAhaHa.Wait. I only telling the truth, bajans don't want no work. Thing is I was telling my mother that he most likely might get through cause the government would give the developer the go ahead.Thing is nobody in Bim stands up for their rights, that's why we are always run over, mistreated and abused by those in power. We complain to others and curse but never try to do anything about situations. If I tell a lie lick a rock cross my head. All I could think of was the picture V for Vendetta, which I recently watched and have completely fallen for it for some reason. Oppression is a bitch and the government of barbados oppresses it's people alot. But we just curse and do nothing. I saw myself trying to rally the people of barbados to stop this abomination from happening. I seriously just wish I could do something to right the wrongs in this country that I see. I'm only 1 man and they say 1 man can make the world of a difference but I hate getting into politics. I just want to share my views and make my country better. I felt so frigging fustrated knowing I had thoughts and views about this thing and nobody's there to hear, listen, agree or even disagree with me. We already have 1 water park, don't mind it isn't huge, why do we need another? Barbados isn't that large that it will make money after 2/3 years. Ppl WILL ride on the wave until they become bored and then it will die a slow death. Look at the golf course. I remember when that thing was super crammed all week and especially on weekends. Now it's like a ghost town with a few ppl playing here and there at nights. I haven't seen it full like when it first opened as the golf course since it turned into the ocean park. I believe I could be influencial, don't know how, but I believe I can be. I just feel really fustrated now being able to get my views out. Look how I have to come on a blog and be like the typical bajan and vent my stress of the island on the net. Bullshit! I'm going to find a way, even if it means i y

:: Bigjoe @ 4:54 PM :: | ::
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I used to love going to the beach to play football, mingle with the folks i knew well, get some sun, play in the sea and to check the girl; but this was a really long time ago and the beaches have changed and so have the reasons. I say this because once again I've found my love for the sand again and so has the reason changed once more. I've been doing my off season training at the beach and let me tell you, that shit is killing me on evenings but it i surely is keeping me fit to the bone. I've fallen in love all over again with the sand between my toes, seeing ppl enjoying themselves and last but not least; realising how beautiful the sun relfecting and refracting off of the water looks. It's totally mesmerising, and I only notice this because I've actually began taking time to enjoy my surroundings and to take it all in instead of taking them for granted. Being in a concrete jungle tends to do this to you I guess. This evening was particularly funny though and it had nothing to do with the scenery. There was this group of young ppl ( like i aint young too...stupse), young as in secondary school young, sorry boh. Anyways there were like 5 boys and 1 girl and they all breezing and stuff. So I was doing my particular drills and runs and then I realised on the ending of one particular run, while walking back to the start, I saw the girl in the group staring in my direction. I was like just so these young girls have no shame atall cause the girl stared at me and did not blink for a second. She kept the stare with me as if she were eye raping. LOL. Anyhow I looked off and continued on my way back. So after each run I realise she would always be looking at me until this 1 time walking back I saw her looking and then 1 of the fellas said, " You here with me and looking at a man so though?" OOOOOOHHHH NNNOOOO!!!!! lookuh blows in somebody ass now. LOL. Hear the shout, the girl reason that she just looking and how the man look sexy and how he should start going in the gym cause he look real bad compared to me. Look I wanted to laugh but then I didn't want the hostility to come my way so I relaxed the face and just marched on down the beach. I looked back and saw the men arguing bad bad now and I say lookuh this shit though. Young girls don't have no respect atall atall. Look, peep even, but don't stare down the man like yuh want to tek it way. She barely ask for that. LOL. I could not stop laughing. I had to stop running in that direction so that the argument wouldn't escalate into some all out brawl.LOL. Oh boy, I really do love the beach. No lie; there's always something there that makes life a little better even if for a short time. No respect from these young ppl now.

On another note though I'm extremely glad to be home. I think this summer is going great over all and is full of action. I must say I'm truly enjoying myself. This is purely because of the ppl that are around me though; purely. Anyhow, since I've been home and had time to relax I've been thinking alot; maybe too much. Seems to me like I'm getting old cause I can't help but think about my future alot. Work, jobs,happiness, marraige, children, friendships, love, trust; man every shit just going through my mind. Guess I'm starting to evolve into someone else. Everyday ppl fall down and die without living their dreams or living their lives how they'd like to because they hold back themselves for fear of failure or fear of rejection. I've never really lived my life in fear of living but now I guess I'm starting to go into a shell since stakes are becoming higher and anything done now is mostly for longevity and not for the spur of the moment type of thing you'd do when you were a teenager. Life's alot more serious now than it used to be. It's also very uncertain so to me that's what makes every single breath and every moment a great one where I try to cherish them and never take them for granted. I love my life, I love who I am and I only want to become better so that my life in general can become better. Can I get an Amen! "Amen brother Hadley!" AHahaHA. Idiot. I know this is really different from the norm where I may post constant drivel that I see around the place and experience, but every day isn't joke day so live with it. If you don't like it kiss yuh arm.
Hopefully my summer continues the way it goes and carries over into the remaining year, cause once I leave the island it will be pure stress again. So i'm bottling as much enjoyment to last me 4 months of memories while i'm under pressure.lol. May my wish be granted. Next time i blog wunna going to get some jokes, don't worry. Anyways,I love life; Hope you love yours. If you don't I'll love it for you. LOL MozzyMan from Rema & Jungle out.

:: Bigjoe @ 4:42 PM :: | ::
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I left NY at the end of the semester to come home to fully relax and enjoy myself to the upmost fullest. It's strange,however, that as soon as I got home scenarios beyond my control would immediately change that outlook I had up to the point of touching the bajan soil with my feet. So I'm back to work now and that's keeping me busy during the day, training on evenings so i'm busy on evenings; but I'm not busy at nights so my mind wanders all over the place. I however am trying to take it easy so nothing will be spoiling my summer plans.
I went to my first lime/party on saturday down by the heineken beach party and oh my word, did I want to bash out. I haven't partied in so long that I just had this dirty, nasty, bashy urge that was pushing me. But alas, every1 seemed to be liming more than out right partying so I kept it on the down low boh, b4 I had eyes on me or something. I can't take eyes on me boh, I might only spaz out on somebody now.lol. It was cool otherwise though, got to see alot of folks I hadn't seen in a pretty long time and just hung out with a couple peeps. Afterwards the men hung out and boy oh boy was that a ball. We didn't even want to go home in the wee hours of sunday morning cause it was just shite talk from beginning to end. I don't think I'd ever trade those men for anything else in the world. That's how real friends should be. The most important part of all this weekend was that it was all free. For a broke man like me that was a god send.lol. I hey barely hey trying to survive before I start back making some money. Good thing no old, desparate, white women around or I would be doing the dirty. I'm kidding by the way, shoot.

I can see this summer will be filled with ups and downs but one thing's for sure, no one can say that a roller coaster ride isn't interesting. So I won't be complaining since trouble will be finding me..hhmmmm.

:: Bigjoe @ 8:58 PM :: | ::
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I was just about to say how nicely the Ivororians were playing against the Italians and now they're 2 goals down. Well well well. Men just would not capitalise on the damn chances they get dread. Lookuh how i going to curse these black ass african men. Anyways I have to big up Trinidad on their first game and for drawing it. Despite they were 1 man down in the 2nd half and had to defend 99.99% of the time,lol, they had the closest thing to a goal believe it or not; and i big them up for that. Oh how i wished my so and so country would do good at something. Oh how i wished. Men here at home don't do shit, don't have no national pride, nothing. Only a very vew patrons who really love their sport, whether it be dominoes to draughts, go all out to represent this small island. What the rest of us good for? From what I hear and see on a day it seems only killing, breeding,fooping the young girls, selling and smoking drugs everyday is the only thing on ppls' minds now. It annoying the shit out of me cause when I hear other ppl talking about their countries achievements the only thing I could talk bout is the damn economy.Shoot. I mention Suki King and men ask if somebody does really take draughts in the world that serious. I had nearly feel shame. sigh. Thank God for 1 man like Barry Forde for up holding some kind of pride. Sad thing is he's the only 1 who's reached so far in excellence in a really long time. I just wished the youth of today could channel themselves more positively to some sport to make it out of here and make this nation proud instead of killing the island surely but surely in pure wutlessness and immortality.

I can hear the masses saying "Preach it brotha hoyte! Preach ooooonnnn!!!" LOL. But seriously I just tired of everyone being able to show something of their country and all I could find are bits and specks of people instead of more people who I KNNOOWW have so much talent. Doctors and lawyers aren't the only people that worth anything bout here and it seems that's all that's being pushed into peoples' heads. Well mozzyman going to pray for this poor country and I will try my hardest throughout my entire life to represent and if possible, guide somebody if not myself to fully make my country proud.

150% mudda fucking bajan.....bitch!
sorry for cursing old girl(mum), know how it is sometimes.lol

:: Bigjoe @ 12:40 PM :: | ::
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