:: Bigjoe's World (Not Elmo's) ::

:: Thursday, December 28, 2006 ::

This last semester has been an eye opener. I think it has completely changed my life believe it or not. It has altered my mind in terms of what I can handle, take, the amount of patience I have and what I can't handle.I'm in love with life and being happy while experiencing it and it hasn't been an experience for a while aright. There's so much I can say but I'm finding it so hard to say what.hhhmm

I miss eating salt breads and peanut butter and having the butter all around the corners of my mouth and licking it off when I'm finished. I miss feeling completely comfortable and being able to willingly act stupid or conversate because I'm completely comfortable. I miss genuinely smiling alot from within, and not just a fleeting smile which I just use as a greeting. I miss being the normal be in general. Things in and around my life as it is now just doesn't allow me to enjoy these things.Life has changed however and things as simple as these aren't so easy to come by anymore. Comfort is just too hard to come by.It kills me when I can't be me; it really does. Makes me feel as if i'm losing myself to the forces around me.(This sound like some real Darth Vader shit nuh.lol) The pressure I go under being away from home and dealing with school just completely drains me. It leaves me tired and not able to deal with anything else, especially when there are things I've dealt with many times before. Once I'm home I feel as though I can regain some of what I lose as long as I'm given the opportunity freely and completely. That's been my only real Christmas gift I've wanted since I've left this rock. Just to be home and be happy; cause I don't have this kind of happiness and relaxation when in the big apple.
I think I'm rambling but at the same time I know what I'm saying. See how working and expanding your brain continuously,ESPECIALLY when you don't want to continuously and so rigorously, drives you crazy. You confuse yourself but yet you think you aren't confused.LOL. I tell yuh. I just want to live and be happy,that's all, and life has made it extremely frigging hard for me to be happy. So I guess I'm just really asking for some help. Been asking for it for a long time now but this semester really showed that I need it, not want or seek it now.

Oh yes! Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to everyone. The ppl closest to me may never hear me say it but I love them all dearly. I will never forget you all because you impacted and impact my life so much. Can't wait to finish this shit.

:: Bigjoe @ 9:23 PM :: | ::
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