:: Bigjoe's World (Not Elmo's) ::

:: Wednesday, June 18, 2003 ::

2day was a safe day...sleep had me really bad at work...eyes were red and just burning..a massive sleep at lunch time on the beach cured that...surprised i slept tho cause stuff has been on my mind recenrtly..no matter the situation when ever i really tired nothing seems to be able to stop me from sleeping..i hope i continue so through my life...

I'm a compromising person...fuck..i actually let ppl get way with murder when it comes to me..that is if i really like u...cause i tend to be soft when i care about ppl..shhh..don't let ppl know i actually aint hard and always vicious with the world...but i've been thinking cause apparently i don't compromise...now who the fuck in their right mind can tell me that...i matter of fucking fact compromise so much that i do things for other ppl b4 i go and do stuff for myself..i bicker and shit sometimes but in the end i always reason it was better that i thought of the person...but alas i feel as tho some1 stepped on my toe with a stilletto heel unpurpose...that sorta thing i can't really handle well..i try to but i can't handle anger well..i guess i need some anger management like Adam sandler..

Anyways i also think that ppl tend to forget that in relationships your partner is your friend...i once had a friend who had a girl who was his friend for a long time...he changed on her and got all aggressive, started disliking her boy friends,didn't want her going out, didn't like the fact that fellas even talked to her..when she was his friend what the hell could he do...nothing..cause that was his friend..i strongly believed that he was wrong since that's not how u would treat a friend...ppl carry that relationship fuck too far and end up getting too serious, possessive, obsessive and vindictive...i strongly believe ppl just carry things too far and that's why most relationships fail..cause they end up with the above traits because they lost thier friendship..it should be maintained like how u maintain yuh mozzy or yuh bird..no infections pls, thank you!

Next thing i realised is that deceitfulness is the way to have a successful relationship...yes i said it...let me show u why...u in the club and your man wid u...1 of his friends comes along and shouts both of u and proceeds along their way..some time during the night the friend dances with your man a lil bit..no horny eye contact..no clutching of bodyparts, no carressing..nothing...would u wanna crack your man's head for just dancing with a friend u even know and respect...if so some1 doesn't feel confident or comfortable about and with themself..now a normal man would NEVER EVER let his woman see him dancing with another woman most likely cause his ass would be up to something ..agreed!!! yes good fucking point hulk..anyways so if you went walking around in the club and saw your man giving the same said friend a sick grind and all in her neck, she squeezing he chest, he licking she air and they look like they ready to fuck..yes i would be cruel too...point is i trying to make here is that if u confident with your relationship and your partner u can dance in front of your partner and not dig about being beaten because it is nothing..plus u can't do it for long anyways ...So tell me...WHY the fuck must your partner go and hide in a corner and not let u see them dancing with somebody unless they think that u will freak out about it or they are actually hiding cause they are doing something wrong...

read once more if it confuses...i made sure i wasn't...;)

I'm not a hider so unlike the 99% of bajan men who would hide ..i will wuk up in your skin and not think anything at all sexual all because i'm confident, comfortable and just lloooovvveeeee to dance...if i can't be open nor be honest i guess my ass would have to tell all females that i know never to dance with me cause i don't want to cause strife..good luck on that 1 cause i would got real talking to do..so a hoarse voice for me at the end of the night trying to talk over all that music (plus when i'm out by myself wouldn't they still come back)...or i can go in a corner and hide...which would never and will never happen...oh yes i must mention all the while your partner dancing u there dancing too with yuh friends, by yourself or wid a fella( which by the way is worse cause most fellas always wanna breed yuh when they dancing) takes a man with lots of faith anf guts to let his woman dance with another man knowing most men can't control themself..

So in the next episode in the raging war of the mind, i ask the question: Would u girls go out with your girl friends or by yourself and not dance at all with some1 for that entire night...if u DID dance wouldn't it be the same as actually dacing with some1 in front of your partner??..cause u know somebody going to tell yuh man that yuh was wukking up wid another man the next day..so he done know what went down...or would it not mean anything since your partner wasn't there....OR would it be called hiding in a corner because u had to wait until u went out by yourself to actually feel safe and comfortable to dance a little with some1 else...hhmmm.. interesting questions and interesting answers...

Confidence is an over looked virtue in this day and age.........

:: Bigjoe @ 3:45 PM :: | ::
...

when ppl beg me for a fight they usually get it..cause i just love to fight...but a strange thing happened to me...i feel as tho i was being begged for a fight now and i just won't give it..i prefer to lash out at the world b4 i actually fight with the person..i must be getting retarded somehow....

how much heat does steel have to take b4 it melts or breaks..i don't fucking know but for right now i really wish i was like david/bruce banner, cause i would be mean, green and fucking up ppls' houses right now..i know i talking all over the place but it is my fucking blog not the world 1..so lump it if i all over the place...

I hate getting confuse..it mean i would take it at first and try to understand.. and in the end i do and realise my foolishness...but that's not confusion ..that being scolded..nothing wrong wid that.
BUT confusion is when the same thing is told to your face over and over and over again especially when u already talked about it, realised u did something wrong( that is if u did something wrong) and tried to do something about it..repeating the same things all the time only pushes ppl to do either 2 things...to break them or push them away..and i weird so wid me i would break and give in to anything as long as it could end an argument or a confusion session..cause i submissive like that..but when it keep happening i turn the complete opposite and just wanna smash every shit up..imagine that..a weird man aren't i...

Anyways i offa that small tantrum scene..i guess i just needed to relieve some stress ..so if yuh lost and u there saying this man is a cunt..yes i am m'am..i just tired of being mr nice, that's all...i'm go about my daily duties being nice but when things start to get to me too much and my goodness isn't getting me anywhere or it seems as tho it is being taken for granted i just say fuck it...let the evil come out..and when it comes...i can't stop it...and sometimes i love it..

life so complicated right now...one minute i'm extremely happy..the next minute i don't want ppl around me cause i does just feel like seriously wounding them...that shit aint good for my health...i tired compromising, being understanding, listening, and most of all apologizing...i sorry for the person i am cause once i feel a certain way i usually stay for extremely long...only god knows how some ppl are able to influence me...for right now i don't think any1 can tho..i just don't want to compromise anymore..i've done enough of it to no avail..maybe i just need to make a fresh start, a long good sleep, a day from it all..i don't know..but i know despite the excitement of rage ...i don't wanna be like this forever..

:: Bigjoe @ 9:28 PM :: | ::
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